Saturday, November 25, 2006

If Only They Were Normal #15 - The Queen

She’s stuffy, old-fashioned, and the Monarchy costs U.K. tax payers a mint…yet she’s one of the wealthiest women in the world. Sure, sure, she’s a product of her upbringing, but aren’t we all…and didn’t most of us work to overcome that? So what if the Queen took a ‘normal’ role?

“Fuck the thoroughbreds, I’ve got my freedom machine and the hell with Philip. He’s always been pokin’ the gals anyways. Bloody right, I’ve ‘ad it and taking me hog to a country pub. Patooey, ha, there’s a right good gob fer ya. Put a couple ‘o pints in me and I’m gonna smoke some bitch sticks and yack me ‘ead off bout Chuck, Andy and Anne. Coo, (oops, not Koo Stark), my kids drive me up the wall. Think any of them could put their bloody feet in to stop Blair and his colonist warring? Wanker.

Wot’s that…some freakin’ ‘edge’og road kill? Never mind, that pub’s gettin’ closer and I can taste the bitters already. Gonna write some letters to ‘arper an’ ‘oward the coward too. Right bloody bastards they are acting oh so la tee dah an tough an’ all. ‘ow’d they like me boot up their arses?”

Sunday, November 19, 2006

If Only They Were Normal #14 - Pope Benedict

Joseph Alois Ratzinger, ‘The Traditionalist’ is one amongst the fray of religious and political leaders SO NOT HELPING THE WORLD! In religion’s power struggles and alliances there seems more will for the gravy train and globe trotting for ‘The Institution’ , rather then acting as humble men of the cloth intent on seeing their flock remain just that….a flock, not a gargantuan herd of homogenous bible humpers. If The Pope were normal:

“Honey, the face may be kaput but check the gamms! Politics, who wants anything to do with that when I’ve got lots of MONKeying around to do? I’m going to tell you a little secret, at Christmas Mass I’m announcing my white dress will be traded in perma for this chichi Carman Miranda number! Oh I know, we’re coming out, step aside world and gay marriage whoo hoo…all you alter falters look out!

I was telling my Cardinals, you know, those queens in the flaming red (aren’t they adorable?), I’ll have the world leaders kiss my cock ring , the one on my finger is just too tacky, really. My, my, my, can’t wait for Georgie to visit the Vatican!.

OH, and while you’re saying your Hail Mary’s? Make sure it’s to Mary Tyler Moore. Ciao for now, babies!”

Saturday, November 18, 2006

If Only They Were Normal #13 - Daddy Bush and Junior

Is capitalism and war in one’s DNA? Perhaps not, as we look at Daddy Bush and Junior in a scenario if we ‘normalized’ them.

Daddy - Well my son, what did you learn today?
Junior - Sir, I learned to love the sinner but not the sin. So I love you even though you were never there for me and throttled my body and esteem.
Daddy - Very good. Now I won’t have to throw you to the tigers. Hahaha.
Junior - Hahaha. Remember how I got so jealous when Jeb was born? I have now learned that honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.
Daddy - Most commendable. This must mean you are over my penis being bigger then yours. Hahahaha.
Junior - Haha. Ha. Er, um, yes, ah, hate the sin, not the sinner.
Daddy - I was only ribbing you , my boy, to see how you would react. I have become a queer mixture of the East and the West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere.
Junior - You’re queer? YOU’RE QUEER? Daddy, I’m so happy, I’ve been meaning to tell you I’m a homosexual.
Daddy - Queer as in odd, son.
Junior - Oh. Ah, er…honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress, right?

If Only They Were Normal #12 - Dick Bruce Cheney

Perhaps the worst of the U.S. oligarchy,Dick Cheney would be marvellous if he were ‘normal’. The Dali Dick. The Cheney Lama. Dickey Lama? Dali Cheney? Here’s his Instructions for Life (if he were normal):

1. Take into account that love is better then war.
2. The material world ain’t what it’s cut out to be.
3. Oil is just a three letter word.
4. If someone says Iraq, say ‘withdraw’
5. Never play with guns.
6. Don’t read the bible.