If Only They Were Normal

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If Only They Were Normal #15 - The Queen

She’s stuffy, old-fashioned, and the Monarchy costs U.K. tax payers a mint…yet she’s one of the wealthiest women in the world. Sure, sure, she’s a product of her upbringing, but aren’t we all…and didn’t most of us work to overcome that? So what if the Queen took a ‘normal’ role?

“Fuck the thoroughbreds, I’ve got my freedom machine and the hell with Philip. He’s always been pokin’ the gals anyways. Bloody right, I’ve ‘ad it and taking me hog to a country pub. Patooey, ha, there’s a right good gob fer ya. Put a couple ‘o pints in me and I’m gonna smoke some bitch sticks and yack me ‘ead off bout Chuck, Andy and Anne. Coo, (oops, not Koo Stark), my kids drive me up the wall. Think any of them could put their bloody feet in to stop Blair and his colonist warring? Wanker.

Wot’s that…some freakin’ ‘edge’og road kill? Never mind, that pub’s gettin’ closer and I can taste the bitters already. Gonna write some letters to ‘arper an’ ‘oward the coward too. Right bloody bastards they are acting oh so la tee dah an tough an’ all. ‘ow’d they like me boot up their arses?”

If Only They Were Normal #14 - Pope Benedict

Joseph Alois Ratzinger, ‘The Traditionalist’ is one amongst the fray of religious and political leaders SO NOT HELPING THE WORLD! In religion’s power struggles and alliances there seems more will for the gravy train and globe trotting for ‘The Institution’ , rather then acting as humble men of the cloth intent on seeing their flock remain just that….a flock, not a gargantuan herd of homogenous bible humpers. If The Pope were normal:

“Honey, the face may be kaput but check the gamms! Politics, who wants anything to do with that when I’ve got lots of MONKeying around to do? I’m going to tell you a little secret, at Christmas Mass I’m announcing my white dress will be traded in perma for this chichi Carman Miranda number! Oh I know, we’re coming out, step aside world and gay marriage whoo hoo…all you alter falters look out!

I was telling my Cardinals, you know, those queens in the flaming red (aren’t they adorable?), I’ll have the world leaders kiss my cock ring , the one on my finger is just too tacky, really. My, my, my, can’t wait for Georgie to visit the Vatican!.

OH, and while you’re saying your Hail Mary’s? Make sure it’s to Mary Tyler Moore. Ciao for now, babies!”

If Only They Were Normal #13 - Daddy Bush and Junior

Is capitalism and war in one’s DNA? Perhaps not, as we look at Daddy Bush and Junior in a scenario if we ‘normalized’ them.

Daddy - Well my son, what did you learn today?
Junior - Sir, I learned to love the sinner but not the sin. So I love you even though you were never there for me and throttled my body and esteem.
Daddy - Very good. Now I won’t have to throw you to the tigers. Hahaha.
Junior - Hahaha. Remember how I got so jealous when Jeb was born? I have now learned that honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.
Daddy - Most commendable. This must mean you are over my penis being bigger then yours. Hahahaha.
Junior - Haha. Ha. Er, um, yes, ah, hate the sin, not the sinner.
Daddy - I was only ribbing you , my boy, to see how you would react. I have become a queer mixture of the East and the West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere.
Junior - You’re queer? YOU’RE QUEER? Daddy, I’m so happy, I’ve been meaning to tell you I’m a homosexual.
Daddy - Queer as in odd, son.
Junior - Oh. Ah, er…honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress, right?

If Only They Were Normal #12 - Dick Bruce Cheney

Perhaps the worst of the U.S. oligarchy,Dick Cheney would be marvellous if he were ‘normal’. The Dali Dick. The Cheney Lama. Dickey Lama? Dali Cheney? Here’s his Instructions for Life (if he were normal):

1. Take into account that love is better then war.
2. The material world ain’t what it’s cut out to be.
3. Oil is just a three letter word.
4. If someone says Iraq, say ‘withdraw’
5. Never play with guns.
6. Don’t read the bible.

If Only They Were Normal #11- Laura Bush and Laureen Harper

Imagine being married to George Walker or Stephen Joseph. No thanks!!! If their wives were normal they would have left their sociopathic mates by now or at LEAST had an affair to comfort each other's living with emotionless, incompassionate guys. Let's let the fly on the wall listen in:

Laura It's o.k. sugar, Mamma's gonna make everything alright for pretty little Laureen.
Laureen OH Laura, I , I never knew what it was like to be held and comforted this way before. My husband is so....
Laura Shhh, dumplin'. Let's leave the world of testosterone behind. It's just you and me right now.
Laureen Hold me tighter. Tell me you'll take me to the Mid-East Peace Jam session.
Laura Ya honeychild, don't you worry, that's right, put your hand there, how's this feel?
Laureen I, I've never been asked that before. Laura, oh, Laura!!!
Laura Hush now, hush. We'll make love, not war.

If Only They Were Normal #10- Michael Ignatieff

Liberal Leadership contenter Michael Ignatieff, if he were normal:

"Yup. You'll get nothing but straight talk from me. I think we've had enough of politicians who can't shoot from the hip. No more fucking around with fancy-dancy intellectual bullshit and promises, this time it's going to be for the people and I don't want anyone knowing who my dad is, hear? That's got nothing to do with anything. A little common sense, nose to the grindstone, roll up our sleeves and get to work is what it's going to be. There was a time a person knew what a liberal was and stood for, well I'm bringing that back and there's no effin way my tax dollars or anyone elses are getting wasted on a useless war. I gotta get back to the job here and I don't have a zillion speeches saying the same thing over and over so if you'll excuse me I'm gonna finish up then have some beer with regular citizens and listen to what THEY have to say."

If Only They Were Normal #9- Donald Rumsfeld and Kim Jong ll

Donald Rumsfeld and Kim Jong ll are staging a 'Bed-In' to protest war and corruption.

Rumsfeld: It's way sweet. We've booked the room and look forward to recording a song for peace.
JONG: I love Donny. We come up with these brilliant ideas together. What we're doing is for the world and it's a sacrifice and statement.
Rumsfed: Christ, ya know it ain't easy. Ya know the way things can be. The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me.
JONG: SHRIEK! Up yours, propagators of war!
Rumsfeld: Kimo's my love. Kookookachoo.

If Only They Were Normal - #8 - Tony Blair

In his youth Tony Blair modelled himself after Mick Jagger and was in a rock band called 'The Ugly Rumours'. How he got from that to the Bush-Loving, war-supporting asshole he is....well, maybe he was an asshole then, it kinda sounds like it from Wiki's report.

If he were normal:

"I've traded in the Flying V for an old Martin and I'm gearing up for the Mid-East Jam session. The Boss's new CD of Pete Seger songs has inspired me to toss the Marshalls, go unplugged and get some Baez tab. I think 'Joe Hill' would be good for the line up. It would add an element of labour strife to war issues and how the common person just isn't getting anywhere. I gave Charles and Camilla a ring, they're into singing backup and Charlie wants to sit in circle and talk about sustainability. I'm putting forth a bill to the House to have my wages reduced to that of a hod carrier and have been hanging around Leister Square getting my chops up on Saturday night busking. The inequities, the class system, none of it makes sense. Oh, and we're telling the Orangemen to shove it and encouraging Ulster to just be Celtic. I'll take the cross off my neck as a symbolic gesture and toss it in the Thames when all our troops are withdrawn from everywhere. If people must have churches they can be on their own, no corporate religion, just simple fellowship with no ties. Bush and his chums can take a long walk off a short pier.'

Condi Rice

.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice "What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing -- the birth pangs of a new Middle East and whatever we do we have to be certain that we're pushing forward to the new Middle East not going back to the old one.

If she were normal:

"Oppression is everywhere and my people, the Afro-Americans, need to rise up not only for themselves but people the world over like the Lebanese. Israel went way over the top. The mother-fuckers in the White House should be encouraging culture, not forcing their beliefs on others. I'm going to do my best to talk George into chilling. Mr. Uptight Egobutt has a few lessons to learn about respect. If I can get him to the jam session with Ehud and Hassam maybe he'll wiggle his red-neck ass to some tunes and come undone. None of this line-dancing crap, I mean he's gotta really shake his booty to learn what freedom feels like. Repressed, that's what he is, and the repressed oppress, that's what I'm talkin' about, that's what I'm sayin'. I'll say it again, the repressed oppress. And mother-fucker George, you can damn well learn to respect women cuz Angela Merkel and me aren't about to take your filthy little paws on our backs. Shout it, sisters!"

Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah

Hezbollah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah has a real love for Jews (ya right).

If he were normal:

"I was thinking about my brother Ehud's suggestion of jamming together. I had to dig through a lot of crap to find my old axe, but I've been working on some Garcia licks and think I can contribute somwhat decently. I hope The Big E doesn't mind a bit of intonation, the neck on this old beaut needs adjustment. I'm really looking forward to the ceasefire so we can make some music together, you know, the old bit about music being the universal language is so true. I said I'd bring the hookah if he brought the herb and the dude suggested he might have some B.C. bud. Far fuckin' out! Hee'ya, can't wait to shake the desert with some Sugaree and wake up the DeadHeads".

Ehud Olmert

While israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert feels a peace agreement will be in place by Monday, it's going to take some time before complete troop withdrawl from the region is seen. The fighting has been going on for over a month now and over 1,000 lives have been lost. Olmert is a notable hawk, â€œDisengagement is a response to certain demographic realities, ... Within a few years, due to the higher Arab birth rate, Jews will become a minority in the area between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea. I don't want [Israel] to be South Africa because we don't believe in apartheid. We simply have to separate from the Palestinians so that we can control our own destinies.â€.

But what if he were normal?

"Barry Plunker and I were sitting around sipping yerbamati the other day. We got to thinking, 'wouldn't it be rad if Rainbow Gatherings were held in areas of conflict?' Imagine all the vibes coming off the hacky-sacking and drumming. We could fly hippie youth in from around the world and just OM our way to peace. This weapons bit sucks. Let's embrace spirituality and realize we're all one blood. You know, those Arab hookahs were probably intended to keep the peace. I'll give Hassan a call right now, I think he's ready to drop the religious b.s. too and start singing some John Lennon with me. I hear he plays a wicked lead mandolin and hey, I'm kinda rusty but I used to play a mean recorder. Like, all I am saying is give peace a chance".

Ann Coulter

The 'never had her mouth washed out with soap' Ann Coulter. "Some have argued that Israel's response is disproportionate, which is actually correct: It wasn't nearly strong enough. I know this because there are parts of South Lebanon still standing. "

If she were normal:

"Thank you. You're a lovely audience, I truly love you as we work together to save Mother Earth. I was going to do my rendition of 'Smelly Cat', but given the state of the world I feel a Bob Dylan tune would be more appropriate. What's that, huh, ya please, sing along, this is a candle light vigil for peace after all. When we're done with "Blowin' In The Wind' I'd like you to all rise, yell "Fuck you, Bush!' then let's call on Gaia to send him white light'. Anon, this one's for you."

Rona Ambrose

Rona Ambrose declared that Kyoto Accord standards were 'impossible to meet'back in April. "And let me be clear. I have been engaging with our international counterparts over the past month, and we are not the only country that is finding itself in this situation." Yes, perfectly clear, to paraphrase Richard Nixon. And of course by 'not the only country' she means the con-beloved United States.

If Rona were normal, we might hear something like this:

"Kyoto? Rad. Those bogus big guys are in for it. Not going with Kyoto is like, so 1950 or something. My Smart car is a step forward for me and I'm driving out to the Clayquot protest in it. No way these dudes can get away with murder anymore. I'm Jonesing to get on everyones ass and clean this country up".

Monte Solberg

And how's Monte handling the returning Canadian citizens from Lebanon? And we really believe the questioning isn't intensive interrogation? It says those who have spouses, partners and families will be processed first...or do they mean ones with money???

If Monte were normal, this may take place instead:

"Like, we smoked a few bowls together and talked about the difficulties of being over there and having to get rescued and stuff. I played 'Buffalo Soldier' for them to give them strength and we all sang "No Woman No Cry' and wept. It was pretty awesome and some gave me some beads for my dreads. I think I'm going to just open the doors, this border stuff is really a bitch and so 'system', man".

(for Bruce at Canuk Attitude)

Steve Joe Harper

While kd lang has been critisizing Harper for not attending Montreal's Outgames, Steve-Joe says it's not true. The Neo Cons have decided not to make an announcement on AIDS/HIV, saying it's become 'too political an issue'.

If he were normal:
'The world has to learn that LGBT are not freaks, we're people just like anyone else. In fact, was a time we had a special place in indigenous society known as 'two-spirits' cuz we walk in both the physical and spiritual world. The asshole conquerors beat that out of most but it still exists and is being reclaimed more and more. We have to get away from the whole conqueror mentality too. It sucks, along with their wars for capitalistic gain. If we used the armed forces as the environmental forces think of all the money saved that could go into research for AIDS/HIV and bringing in alternatives to mainstream health. Like, 'power to the people' is so right on. Fuck this British Paliamentary set up, let's join with the Greens and augment democracy".

(original)
Harper and his press aides say SJH will be in attendance to appease the Bloc...he just wants to be incognito.

Wife Boreen is not happy about Steve's disguise, saying he's been wearing it around 24 Sussex, "Just a little too much. I can understand why he has to do something so horrible for the sake of the Nation, but this is not the Method School of Acting here and we're using up too much butter. No more 'Last Tango' after this and I'll never complain about missionsary position again!".

Have fun, Stevey-Joe, and remember which team you're batting for!

Check out Queerty as well as The Kalamalka Rainbow for Gay News/Opinion

This today from CBC, Gay and Lesbian Emergence: Out in Canada (I'm sure there's many innacurracies, but...).